The power of imagination makes us infinite.  Keep an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out.  A mind is like a parachute.  It doesn't work if it is not open.

Do not take life too seriously.  You will never get out of it alive.  Life's too mysterious to take it too serious.

Brains are awesome I wish everybody had one.  My brain is like The Bermuda Triangle...  Information goes in and then it's never found again.

A turtle loses his shell; is he naked or homeless ?

What key won't open any door?  A  turkey.

When are turkeys the most grateful ?  The day after Thanksgiving.

How do you get a squirrel to like you?  Act like you’re nuts.

A cow in an earthquake is called a milkshake.

In a world full of twat Waffles, be French toast.

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a room with a mosquito.

People say I look better without glasses.  But I just can’t see it.

How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?  Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses.  Why do you never see a phone wearing glasses?  Because they have contacts.

Don't blame a clown for acting like a clown.  Ask yourself why you keep going to the circus ?

A man goes to library and asks for a book on Suicide... Librarian looks at him and says:  "hello.. who will return the book ? "

Sometimes later becomes never.  The doctor asks the client with a loss of memory to pay in advance.  Because tomorrow may never come.

Have a friend who can read your "face" as a "book"  and ask,  "what's up ?"

Best friends buy you food; true friends pay the bill; but fake friends eat your food.  Good times and crazy friends make the best memories.  Don’t bite more than you can chew !

Follow bees; you can find flowers; follow flies; you can only find toilets.  Bees don't waste their time explaining to flies that honey is better than shit..

Dirty war, same shit, different toilet.  If you find a toilet in your dream, don't use it.

Bad people don't go to hell, they are already there.

Hell is empty and all the devils are here.

You can’t always control who walks into your life, but you can control which window you throw them out.

When you are stressed, you eat dessert.  Because stressed spelled backwards is  "desserts ".

A man decided he would hang himself, but thankfully, he was unsuccessful.  The rope broke.  He is trying to sue the rope manufacturer for the defective rope he purchased. 

You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.

My soul is on a budget.  I can't afford negativity, doubt, drama, hate or bad vibes. 

Don't let the same snake bite you twice.  Cuttlefish produce ink to escape from predators, and skunks use spray as a last resort. 

Always remember that you are absolutely unique.  Just like everyone else.  Don't drink to forget me, you'll end up seeing me double.

I may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I am somebody's double shot of tequila.

It is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple.  Anybody who tells you money can't buy happiness never had any !

If you put the bananas and money in front of the monkeys, the monkeys will choose bananas because they don't know that money can buy a lot of bananas.

People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Money doesn’t make you happy, but a lack of money can create unhappiness.  Bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

Kindness is always fashionable.  The sweetest things become the most bitter by excess.  Always borrow money from a pessimist.  He won't expect it back.

The happiest people are the givers, not the takers.  Never expect a loan to a friend to be paid back if you want to keep that friend.

I have a bad habit of giving an ocean whenever someone asks for a single drop.  No beauty shines brighter than that of a good heart.

Sleep like you're rich, work like you're broke.  You can't have a million-dollar dream with a minimum-wage worth ethic.  Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.

You can use your time to make money, but you can't use the money to purchase more time.  So I bought a Rolex with the trade-in of my Timex.

A lady in front of me at the dollar store paid for my items.  I paid for the man behind me, and he left $10 with the cashier because there was no one behind him !

Life does not come with instructions on how to live.  Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done.  People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.  I may be wrong, but it's highly unlikely.

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living.  The world owes you nothing.  It was here first.  "I was appointed from eternity, from the beginning, before the world began". (Proverbs 8: 23)

If you ever get caught sleeping on the job, slowly raise the head and say  " in Jesus name ",  Amen. 

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors and also our enemies, probably because they are generally the same people.

Money is a great servant but a bad master.  I'd like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money.

I had plastic surgery last week.  I cut up my credit cards.

A thief stole my wife's credit card.  But I let him keep it because he spends less money than she does.

I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.  A thief broke into my house last night…..  He started searching for money, so I woke up and searched with him.

A drowning man will clutch at a straw.  My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.

There's no fear when you're having fun.  If it costs you your peace, it’s too expensive.  If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid.

When you learn how much you're worth, don't settle for average.  You'll stop giving people discounts.  And make sure to add tax.

History is the story of events, with praise or blame.  10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope, and Johnny Cash.  Now we have no Jobs, no Hope, and no Cash.  The future is promised to no one.

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye or you should make lemonade and then try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. 

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died; Never frequent beauty shops that don’t have mirrors.  They have something to hide.

When nothing goes right...  goes left.  The right thing with the wrong motive, is the wrong thing.  I am not superstitious, but I'm a little stitious.

We make mistakes because life doesn’t come with instructions.  Sometimes it takes the wrong turn to get you to the right place.

I’m old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway.  People say you can’t live without love, but I think oxygen is more important.

Love is a game that two can play and both win.  Marriage is not just a word; it’s a sentence.....    (a life sentence !)

Stop saying women don't cook like Grandma, because some of y'all men don't pay bills like Granddad either.

A valuable lesson teaches you something important.
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference  between the two words  'complete' and 'finished'  in a way that's so easy to understand:
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED, but there is:
When you marry the right one,  you are  COMPLETE....  And when you marry the wrong one, you are  FINISHED.....
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ...  COMPLETELY  FINISHED !

You can't be young forever.  What goes up but doesn't come down?  Your age !   Don't let aging get you down.  It's too hard to get up again.  When you have more candles on your cake than friends at your birthday party, laugh while you still have teeth. 

As we get older, three things happen.  The first is our memory goes, and we can’t remember the other two.

Nothing is interesting if you're not interested.  Time is money, I cannot afford to waste my time.  I need a new friend.  The last one escaped.  He couldn't handle me even if I came with instructions. Finally I realized, I was never asking for too much, I was just asking the wrong person.

A woman went shopping.  At the cash counter she opened her purse to pay. The cashier noticed a  TV remote  in her purse.  He couldn't control his curiosity and asked,  "Do you always carry your TV remote with you?"  She replied " No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today .... The shopkeeper laughs and takes back all the items that lady had purchased.  Shocked at this act, she asks the shopkeeper what is he doing.  He said your husband has blocked your credit card .........

Do You Know Me ?
How could an innocent question like  "Do you know me? "  end up like this?  And why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial,  a  Southern  small town  prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman.  He approached her and asked, " Mrs. Jones, do you know me ? " She responded, " Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. " The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, " Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney ? " She again replied, " Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention, he cheated on his wife with three different women -- one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him. " The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, " If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

Laughing at our own mistakes can lengthen our own life; laughing at someone else's can shorten it.

Don't get me started, I don't come with brakes.  I’m not weird, I’m just  limited edition...